Randy and Ellen Case Study

Randy
Complaints:
- Ellen is too absorbed with her job and has neglected the family; the house no longer tidy; wants to “come home to home”; Ellen “changed the rules in the middle of the game”
- Feels like Ellen doesn’t listen to him
Relational Trends:
- Moves away from others
Role Definition:
- Was sole breadwinner; wife the homemaker- his Mom took care of everything
Communication:
- Avoids talking about what is bothering him; stonewall
- Blow up at each other
Conflict Resolution:
- Avoids conflict
- Blame shifting; alternates between yelling and stonewalling
Time and Intimacy:
- Feels like Ellen has grown tired of him like an old hobby
Worship Themes:
- Wants comfort and organization, not change
- Wants respect
- Wants Ellen to meet his needs

Ellen
Complaints:
- Randy pouts at home and throws temper tantrums
- Randy used to be laid back and easy to please; became a “demanding tyrant”
- Thinks Randy wants her to stay home so all his needs are met
Relational Trends:
- Moves toward others
Role Definition:
- Was stay at home mom; wants to work; I suppose she wants Randy to be more like her Dad and pick up the slack at home without complaining
Communication:
- Yells in return- escalation of arguments
- Frustration easily shown in body language and name-calling
Conflict Resolution:
- Engages in (constructive) conflict
- Alternates between yelling and stonewalling
Time and Intimacy:
- Likely spent quality time with kids, and even Randy, like her own mother did when she was young
Worship Themes:
- Want to feel appreciated and significant, to be depended on
- Wants to please
- Wants support in her job

Interpretation

Randy and Ellen seem to be locked into perpetual conflict. Thankfully, the counseling sessions seem to be helping in deflating the high tension that has brought this couple to counseling. Further, there are patterns that have emerged in the exploration of Randy and Ellen’s past that help to explain the motivations and the desires that drive each of them in their separate ways.

Randy seems to be motivated by his desire for comfort and ease. He loves the organization and stability that Ellen has brought to their home. He was the sole breadwinner for the family, and like his own mother, Ellen (up until she went back to work) stayed home and took care of the kids, the house, and Randy. She met all his needs, making sure dinner was ready when he got home, that his laundry was clean when he needed it, and the house was clean and organized. Randy was able to return from work to a home of peace and stability.

Ellen, on the other hand, loves to care for others, which is why she entered the nursing profession. She grew up taking care of her brother, her Dad, and later on her husband and kids. This seems to satisfy a sense of significance and worth for her. She also desires to please others, and seems to pride herself in her accomplishments in caring for them. While she still had children at home, she seemed satisfied to stay home with them. However, in raising her brothers, once they, like her kids, were able to care for themselves and no longer needed her, her task grew old and she was ready to move on to other things- like nursing. Therefore, in order to satisfy her desire to feel needed, she decided to go back to work.

Unfortunately, this return to work threw a monkey wrench into Randy’s stable, organized life. Randy has discussed the instability and disorganization of his family life growing up, so he starts to feel agitated when things at home with Ellen back at work get less than tidy and disorganized. However, being one who tends to avoid conflict and one who seems to move away from others, Randy responds not by voicing his concerns, but by pouting around the house.

Ellen, who presumably loves being back at work where she feels like she makes a difference caring for people, is concerned with Randy’s change of attitude. In my opinion, she and Randy both know that the other knows that the issues stem from Ellen going back to work. She, being one who moves toward others (out of care and concern, as well as one who likes to “fix” things), begins to question Randy if everything is okay. Randy stonewalls her, until one day, the floodgates are broken and this once happy couple begin to flounder and drown in a sea of a relational torrent.

Although the dynamics of their relationship before Ellen returned to work are not spoken of, I think all was well, at least of the surface. Randy and Ellen were, relationally speaking, mutually satisfied. Ellen had the kids (and Randy) at home who needed her, and she was content to care for them and raise them. Her desires to feel worthy and appreciated were being met. Randy’s desires for a peaceful happy home were also being met. He was, therefore, congenial and easy to please. Because their relationship under the surface was one of perpetual worship satisfaction, life was great. There would be little or no conflict because both Randy and Ellen were being worshipful and having their perceived needs met at the same time. Unfortunately, when Ellen decided to go back to work (with Randy’s approval, initially), their house of cards began to crumble.

Randy typically avoids conflict. For a person who is motivated by desires for peace and comfort, this makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, this is what also seems to keep Randy from expressing himself. By admitting that he does not like it that Ellen has gone back to work because of the repercussions at home, he knows he will offend Ellen, and will have to deal with the ensuing arguments and discussions. Therefore, he chooses to say nothing, supposing to avoid upsetting his life further; however, he cannot hold it in forever, and he erupts in a self-defeating manner that creates even greater conflict than he (potentially) avoided in the first place. Furthermore, he adds to the conflict by misinterpreting their familial situation: Randy sees Ellen as self-absorbed and consequently rejecting the family.

Ellen, on the other hand, loves to care for people and tends to move towards others. Therefore, she engages Randy when she begins to notice that he is upset. Because of Randy’s desire to avoid conflict, this engagement in potentially constructive conversation drives Randy away from her, rather than bringing them together. In the end, she, too, misinterprets Randy’s attitude as they blame each other for being selfish.

This tendency of avoiding conflict seems to have deprived Randy of the necessary communication and conflict resolution skills necessary to deal with this situation he now finds himself in. He states that he feels Ellen has changed the rules halfway through the game- and he doesn’t know these new rules! Not only would he feel disrespected and lost in this situation, he lack the tools he need to express how he feels about it. Instead of admitting his newly apparent weaknesses, he seems to punish Ellen by pouting and stonewalling in order to show his disapproval.

As Ellen moves toward Randy, he moves further away. Because of this lack of support for her new job in addition to trying to keep up with the housework, it seems like Ellen pours more of herself into her job in order to receive the feelings of accomplishment and significance she craves. This keeps her at work more and at home less, “causing” Randy to pout more and grow more resentful. Their bouts of screaming at each other followed by cold silence drives the wedge between them even further in. They plunge deeper and deeper into this downward spiral.

The question remaining is how to interrupt this trajectory. Ellen seems to be on the right track, addressing the issues at hand in the counseling sessions without responding to Randy in anger. Randy’s sullenness and pouting seems to still exacerbate the situation, but he at least is presenting some sense of control over his irritability (session 4). Furthermore, the fact that Randy has agreed to continue counseling is encouraging. Reaching to the heart of their worship disorders seems to be the key to begin resolving some of these issues. There are, of course, practical decisions that must be made regarding the changing role definitions, but with the right attitude they will gain a greater understanding and appreciation of one another, and ultimately a decision could be made with a lot less difficulty and discord.