Fear, worry, anxiety, pride, preoccupation, control…I was surprised that these and other elements of the human experience are so interrelated- so much so that they are often difficult to separate and identify in my life. Even after reading Ed Welch’s book Running Scared I didn’t see how much these issues pervade my life. I deliberately choose not to say that I struggle with these issues because I hardly identify them rightly, so how can I struggle with them? Suffer the fallout of them, yes, but struggle? Perhaps the Spirit is working on me through this assignment to open my eyes to see the unbelief, the little faith, that exists in my heart surrounding these elements.
I have been particularly challenged in the area of worrying about money lately. I always thought that I was more happy-go-lucky when it came to finances. I had a good job and worked well, and gave much back to God which I thought was required of me. But living single and fairly cheaply, I easily could have given more, and I made sure I never lacked a thing I wanted. Now, being in school again and getting married in the near future, financial strains are beginning to manifest themselves. I am learning to live with less as I employ all my money-saving strategies; I can still live with less than I am. However, I worry about the future, about things I have no control over. To hear the words of Christ that I am worth more to God than the birds and the flowers seem hollow- Oh me of little faith. I do not doubt God’s promises, but I depend on myself still more.
I think this is an area of great spiritual concern for me: my independence. I suppose rather it is my perceived independence, because in God all things consist- my life is hid with Christ in God. Why, then, the self-dependence? I am more driven by fears than I realize, and these fears do not drive me to Christ, but into the sinful depths of my own kingdom where I try to make my own way smooth. I am not setting up for myself treasures in heaven, but rather here on earth.
When I watched the movie Wit, I found myself both pitying the woman because of her suffering, but also condemning her because she was so caught up in her world of Donne that there was no room for God- or at least no evidence of turning to Him in her dying hours. I pitied her for the horror that she would face having to meet God for the first time after death- a horror indeed. I felt self-righteous because I would not be in the same position as her spiritually. And yet, looking more closely, how much time I also spend in things of time and sense and so little time I spend storing up treasures in heaven. Perhaps I am to be the more pitied.
Now the question comes, what do I do as I sit here and fret about my crumbling relationship with my heavenly Father? I worry and do nothing for the most part. Oh, that God would change my heart and send me running back into His arms!
Still, there are words of comfort offered to me to dwell on in these times. Katarina von Schlegel’s poem comes back to mind: “Be still, my soul”, and meditate on all the wonderful promises and the loving character of God (SwNE, 82-3). Furthermore, the words of Jesus Himself speaking to His little flock, “it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom” (Luke 12:32). The Kingdom! The Kingdom for me who is so caught up in managing my own kingdom? How can it be? Yet I believe it is true and pray for heart change.
To recognize and point out the fears, worries, anxieties, and issues of control in others instead of myself is far easier for me. I suppose it is also easier for others to see my issues with these same things. I suppose that is why God also wants me to be involved in community where iron sharpens iron. However, this, too, is a fear I face: to be vulnerable and real about my sin and struggles of life, even with those I am close to. God has changed me a lot in this area over the past 5 years, but there is still much more growth and change that needs to take place. I pray that He will continue to show me where this change must take place, and that He will continue to draw me into closer relationship with Himself.
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