The first five books of the Confessions of Saint Augustine are his reflections on his life prior to his conversion. These confessions, directed to God, are not only confessions of sin (especially of his youth), but also confessions of his faith in God and praise to his Redeemer who was guiding and directing him during his life until the time of writing. Augustine recollects in no disguised or polished terms the foolishness of his sin, the deliberate turning away from God, and the pursuit of evil in various forms. He unabashedly recalls this folly, but does so in the light of the deliverance of God from these sins as he simultaneously affirms God’s directing hand throughout his youth. Augustine often refers to the instruction and prayers of his mother as being instrumental in his ultimate conversion, but acknowledges God for this special grace in his life, too.
Augustine begins, naturally, with his birth and toddler years. In a seemingly radical way, he addresses the doctrine of total depravity, pointing out that even at such an early age he was driven by desires to get what he wanted. Learning began early with the initial intent of being able to tell his caregivers what he wanted. He does admit, too, his total dependence on his guardians. He uses his desire-driven attitude and his dependence as a springboard into a discussion on who God is, and acknowledges that he still has to battle with this self-serving nature while simultaneously recognizing his dependence on God. His learning continues through his formative school years; he saw this as the beginnings of the Lord preparing him for the future, but states his dislike of learning, and his preference for finding solace in the pleasures of creation rather than the Creator (I.xx.31).
This promiscuity is discussed in much detail in the second book. Augustine confesses his love of pleasure, especially sexual pleasure, and does so with remarkable insight. The events he discusses take place largely at age 16, but the roots of these sinful addictions stay with him far into the future. Particularly enticing are his opening statements to this book. Augustine humbly acknowledges the shame and pain that come with discussing these issues, realizing that recalling these events allow the greatness of the grace of God to shine through more brightly even though they reveal some dark pages in his history (II.i.1). The depths to which he discovers the horrors of sin in his heart is admirable. Not many people have the depth of insight into the nature of sin and fallen human nature that he exhibits; or, if they do, are not so willing to pen these confessions as Augustine did.
Personally, I can appreciate the nature of these confessions, having struggled much in this area in my own younger days, the residue and consequences of which are still wreaking havoc on my life today. To read Augustine so candidly dealing with these issues, constantly bringing God into the picture, and restating time after time how he was graciously rescued from this hellish lifestyle, is a comforting reminder for myself not to lose sight of the work of God in my own heart, especially when the accusations of the devil rear their ugly head bringing on waves of shame and guilt. Augustine’s greatest confession, I believe, is not of his sin, but of the love of Christ to bore the curse of death to pay for his sin. My own heart gratefully echoes this profession!
In books three through five Augustine details the events surrounding his studies that eventually lead him through Carthage to Rome. Along the way he is compelled to deal with the issues of suffering, first in the theatrical plays of his day, and later in the sickness and death of his closest friend. He takes the death of this friend particularly hard, and in the end flees to Carthage from Thagaste to try to escape the pain of his suffering. He acknowledges at this point that his heart was searching for solace in God, but refused to entertain the idea in his mind. However, he continues to try to intellectualize God, but seeks solace in his friends in Carthage instead.
There, Augustine poured his heart into his studies of rhetoric and philosophy. He undergoes a cursory reading of Scripture, but dismisses this text before plunging into its rich depths. Augustine becomes enthralled by Manichee philosophy, until he discovers the fraudulent nature of one its greatest teachers: Faustus. He is enlightened to the shallowness of this philosophy, and even his trust in the art of rhetoric begins to crumble. However, Augustine relies heavily on his own abilities to learn and understand philosophy, and trusts in these abilities rather than the One who bestowed such lavish gifts on him.
In time, Augustine finds himself in Italy, seeking a more controlled environment for teaching. Here, he finally sheds the burden of the Manichee philosophy; since he no longer trusts the philosophy of the world either, he eventually becomes a catechumen of the Church under the teaching of Bishop Ambrose. Looking back, Augustine acknowledges God’s faithfulness and providential direction in his life, leading him to the place where his heart was soft enough for the planting and germination of the Word of God.
Augustine’s open and honest approach to his sinful youth does indeed highlight the grace of God that he experienced, and the providential leading of God that eventually became manifest. These Confessions are a rich testimony to the work of Christ in the life of a sinner, a work that is still very prevalent to today. There is much comfort that can be drawn from this book; moreover, one cannot read this book without seriously examining one’s own heart and calling out to God with one’s own confessions.
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