Reflections on Psalm 51

Think about who you will be serving later on.

“If you have a counselee who only confesses when backed into a corner, you run the risk of counseling someone who you don’t know.”- B. Smith

Similarly, if I only talk with Rebecca about these things when I am compelled to by outside forces, then she does not really know me.

In Psalm 51, David pours out his heart to God. He is ‘comfortable’ doing so because he has an intimate relationship with God; he knows who God is, knows what He has done in his life, and trusts Him with utter abandon. Immediately he pleads on God’s loving kindness and tender mercy; he knows this correction is for his own good. He knows that God alone is able to wash and cleanse him, and he asks expectantly because he knows God is faithful to do so. I need to meditate more on who God is and the salvation and cleansing that is mine through Jesus Christ.
David realizes and confesses that he has sinned against God alone. He accepts God’s judgment on his life because of the sin he committed against God. He understands God’s justice as well as His mercy. Not only does he acknowledge his sin, but also his sinfulness. He asks God to reveal the depths of sin in his heart, and to cleanse him as deeply as that corruption runs. I pray that God will give me a deeper understanding of how my sin is against God, that He is grieved by my sin; I must learn to hate my sin because it is against the Lover of my soul.

In his sorrow, David asks to be able to see the work that God is doing in him, so that in this time of purging he would be able to rejoice in God and exalt Him for His faithfulness. May God grant me to see through the hardships and understand that He is working to transform me into the image of His Son; and to rely on the promise that He who has begun a good work in me will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.

David realizes that he has wounded the heart of God and broken the communion of relationship between them by his sin. He also knows that God cannot have communion with him while there is still the stain of sin on his heart. Therefore David asks to have his heart washed and cleansed to such a degree that requires having a new, clean heart replacing the old corrupt and stained one. Then, this relationship can be restored, and David pleads that God would indwell him with His Spirit once again in intimate closeness. I need to understand that my sin first is the breaking of relationship with God: that I first turn my back on Him, then break His laws. I know when there is guilt hanging on me I feel distant from God, and that is because I have turned from Him to serve myself; but I need to be cognizant of the fact before I give into temptation, knowing that my sin will drive God from me. I, too, long for that intimate relationship with God, and must seek for this fulfillment from Him alone.

Through this restoration David is willing to humbly make himself an example to those who are in a similar place as he- sinners before Almighty God. To accomplish this he acknowledges that he needs to be upheld by this same indwelling Spirit, and asks for this, as well as to have the joy of forgiveness restored to him so the presentation of the gospel would be saturated with gracious sweetness. So we return to the suggestion posed at the outset: think about who I will be serving later on. I need to go through these things to be able to assist others who are struggling or perhaps enslaved to the same sins I was. Therefore, for the sake of the Kingdom I need to pursue, with the help of the Spirit, victory over this sin to the furthest reaches possible, no matter the cost, to be of better service to my Savior. Others will see this growth in me, as I need to see in others, and will have confidence in the grace of God; may God also give me the humility to speak openly about the struggles that I face in order to draw others into confidence to talk about their own situations.

David then confesses his sin, specifically the sin of bloodshed, realizing that God can do this. From his broken and contrite heart praise will ring forth because of such deliverance. In this praise and worship God is honored, and not in the empty ritual sacrifice he had been offering while living under the guilt of his unconfessed sin. He therefore asks for reformation in his heart to be able to praise God as he ought, in a way that glorifies Him, looking beyond the sacrificial system to the Lamb who alone is able to atone for his sin. I, too, need to understand specific sins in my life, to confess them in detail to the LORD, relying solely on His grace and the blood of Christ to cleanse me from these sins, and to abhor them because of the cost of the sacrifice of the Lamb of God who paid for my sin.

David already shows heart change as he prays to God for the sake of his people. David asks that Jerusalem’s walls be built up, the Jehovah would protect them, and him, from enemies (seen and unseen). He acknowledges that God’s ways are good, and sees that once this restoration has take place, he and others will be able to live lives that are pleasing to God. A changed heart will then allow me to love others as myself, because a true, deep love for God has been cultivated. This love is both worked by God, and honors God. This is His good pleasure to Zion: that He loved me so much that He willingly laid down His life for me. Hallelujah.

So if I know all this, why am I so reluctant to confess my sins to God and to other Christians in order to find help and healing? What does commitment to a double life say about what I value most? What does this say about my experience of the grace of God? What would I have to give up in order to be open and honest before God and man?

And if I am open and honest, what do I gain?

All sin is self-serving. Therefore to sin, as well as sinning through unrepentance and dishonesty, living a double life, serves me in some way. If it is meant to serve me, it therefore does not serve God and must be acknowledged and confessed as sin.

So how is this self-serving? First, in my deep-rooted pride I want to preserve my own image and dignity. I do not want to have to admit my sin. I want to revel in my own glory and in the high esteem of others. However, Proverbs 3 tells me that favor and high esteem with God and man is found in clinging to mercy and truth. God hates pride and arrogance according to Proverbs 8:13.

Furthermore, having to admit my sin means I have to go through the struggle of dealing with it, which I do not know how to do. Therefore, I will also have to admit to more than a weakness, but an utter inability to fight against sin on my own. To fight sin, then, means having to give up my independence and rely wholly on another. This admission to inability is an affront to my pride as well.

So to hide my sin and my struggles behind a façade of security, victory, sufficiency, and confidence allows me to continue to live with my self-serving pride. This dualism, while the sins and struggles remain unchallenged, also leaves opportunity for me to continue in the sin I love so much. I can sin when I want to because no one knows that those struggles are there (except God, the knowledge of this fact simply is pushed from my mind, as my conscience is silenced). I do not have to take up arms in battle against these sins which is far easier and more comfortable (also in self-service), nor do I have to face the humiliation of admitting to my sinfulness. This shows that I value my own comfort and self-image above all else.

But what does this reveal about my knowledge of God’s grace? Do I really believe that I am secure in His hands? Do I really believe that Christ spilt His own blood to pay for all my sins? Do I really believe that He loves me unconditionally? In my heart of hearts the answer is yes. By virtue of the fact that I am here writing this is evidence of His unconditional love for me, in that He has not left me to myself, but is challenging me, changing me, conforming me into the image of His Son. Does this mean that I always live out of this reality? Absolutely not; my unwillingness to be open and honest before God to allow Him to search my heart and reveal the idols rooted deeply in there, and my reluctance to be open with the people I love so dearly are clear evidences of this. I need to be reminded of these truths about God daily, and to rest in them instead of my own self-protecting schemes. I pray that God will use this time rescue me from myself and root me deeply in Himself.

What would it take to get there? God working this truth in my heart through His Word and Spirit. I must recognize and give up my pride and self-serving ploys I use to try to save face in front of others. I need to recognize that God has me right where I need to be, and to humble myself before Him, trusting that He, through these sufferings, is working in me a far greater weight of glory.

So what is the reward for being open and honest, for confessing sin for what it is and seeking restoration of my relationship with God? Basking in the glory of the union with the King of kings and Lord of lords. To live a life of freedom in not having to be behind walls, keeping others out and locking myself in- what an awful, lonely life that is. I will also be able to enjoy the graces of relationships with people, with Rebecca most of all, that parallel my relationship with my God.

Oh, Lord, please never let me lose sight of the glorious freedom there is in obeying and serving You- openly, honestly, relying on You and You alone for salvation, ever returning to you in repentance when I fall, knowing that You will be waiting and watching for me to return home to You. My heart overflows with love to You that You did not leave me in my sin, but that in your faithful, unconditional love You rescued me from the self-made prison of my own heart, and continue the breakdown its walls.