Self-Counseling Project

When I began this project I sought to gain deeper understanding of my desires to engage in sexual fantasy, and acting out through masturbation. Most often these desires seem strongest when I am tired and lazy, although I found they are readily manifest when I am feeling lonely, bored and under stress as well. I also began this project with the understanding that these sins, while very real, were only manifestations of more deeply rooted issues. God has been showing me what these are and just how much they affect many areas of my life.

Looking over my self-counseling logs, I see that whenever there were temptations to fantasize or masturbate, there was another issue that factored into the equation. The situations, often involving feelings of fatigue, boredom, and loneliness, were usually spurred on by various forms of escapism and negative reactions to needing to face the reality I was trying to escape.

Over time, certain roots were then brought to light. The boredom and stress stemmed from feelings of incompetence and inadequacy, and the fantasy brought reprieve. Feelings of loneliness stem from a deep-seated fear of rejection as well as my self-perceived inadequacy and unloveableness. The staying up late (and consequent sleeping in) is because I am co-dependent, a people pleaser; therefore I will stay on the phone for hours when my fiancée wants to talk, especially when deeper issues are on the floor- factor into this as well the ever-present fear of rejection.

Over the past few months God has revealed to me the roots of these fears and self-conceptualizations. Unfortunately, the details of these past events would require explanation far beyond the scope of this vignette. However, upon uncovering these factors, allowed me to understand where the evil roots sprung from. Further, in the ensuing weeks through discussion and having my cup bumped in other ways, God showed me that these same issues result in sinful behavior, with these same sinful roots bearing different fruit in other areas in my life (e.g. not wanting to admit my sins and faults, but rather bury them despite God’s call to a life of honesty).

God has not only given me a greater understanding of the root issues I am dealing with, He has given me a greater understanding of who He is. Most significant to me in the past few months has been God’s desire to have a personal, intimate relationship with me- and it is permanent! God will never leave me nor forsake me; He has demonstrated this by entering into a relationship with me while I was an enemy steeped in a life of sin. Still today He is not ashamed to call me His brother. What marvelous grace!

With this truth in mind, my confidence in God has grown. Where I trusted so much in myself, I am beginning to see how empty that is, and how destructive retreating into my own castle is. Instead, He has given me the desire in times of temptation to run to the true City of Refuge and rest in his promises. My desire to be transparent with others has grown also.

Now I am able in the times when faced with the reality of my sin and my sinful past to trust in my identity in Christ, knowing I am secure in Him, and be open with others. God has brought my fiancée and I through some major hurdles in the recent past. I now pray with a deeper honesty. And in those times when the temptation to fantasize and masturbate come, though I sometimes give in, I often bring the truths God has revealed to me into that situation, and pray in the midst of the struggle for deliverance, instead of having to confess after.

My relationship with God is deepening and my understanding of His grace is growing. This has a direct manifestation on my personal relationships as well as my view of myself. I am learning to confess my sin and to accept forgiveness for those sins, understanding that this time of growth is drawing me closer to God.

DISCUSSION

Sir Winston Churchill said those we do not know history are doomed to repeat it. This altruism is beginning to ring truer in my own personal life. I have learned (and am still learning) that understanding my past is important for dealing with my present. Truly understanding the roots of my present struggles necessitates a clear understanding of my experiential roots. Although I do not feel like I have grown much in the past three months, God, in giving me insight into events in my past, is allowing me to fight my daily battles with sin in a God-honoring way as He effects change in me and prepares me for a glorious future.

One of the most difficult aspects of this project was keeping a log. Mentally thinking through one’s actions in one’s mind is a lot less expressive and shameful than writing them out on paper. Often the guilt and shame of having to express my thoughts on paper were a hindrance to keeping a totally honest account of my struggle. Dealing with issues on the periphery was a much easier task, and even a welcome reprieve. All of this, of course, hinged on whether or not I actually sat to write out a log. Admittedly, this was not always because I did not want to write a log. Many days by God’s grace there was not a struggle in this area (at least, not one I perceived).

However, this project has been very fruitful. Having this accountability (i.e. being ‘forced’ to keep a log for this project) at the very least kept my eyes open for when and where this struggle would rear its head. I kept a file on my desk that held my logs which served as a constant reminder to utilize this accountability tool. Sometimes days would pass before I felt so guilty that I had to write down the events that were plaguing me. Other times I willingly and forcefully opened the file and began recording as a way to engage in active spiritual warfare, knowing that bringing the promises of God into the situation was the only way to fight the battle.

Along these same lines, another area of growth for me in this project was having accountability partners. In this, my fiancée especially has been a great blessing. My other two accountability partners really did not keep up with me; and to be honest, I was fine with that. I did not make the effort to go to them in times when I was tempted nor discuss my project with them. Not having to give account to people really is an open door for sin to rush through, I have discovered. Not only do I understand the necessity of having accountability for myself, but I am beginning to realize that God wants to use me to hold others accountable, too.

Inadvertently, this turned out to be the very heart of the battle I am dealing with: transparently speaking the truth; being honest with God, with others, and with myself. Keeping alive a fantasy world and the self-indulgent pleasures that accompany it turn me away from others and in on myself. Not wanting others to know about this secret part of me has caused me to live a double life in the past, and I still deal with the residual of that now. Remaining closed about my thoughts, feelings, and struggles is an old habit that prohibits me from engaging in real, meaningful relationships now. Keeping the logs was difficult, but being transparent with others has been even more so, because of painful experiences in the past. Engaging in self-pleasing behaviors, although ultimately destructive, are an easy way to experience intimacy. Working toward true intimacy has required a lot of change, but the rewards are thrilling!

This process of change has not been easy. Many hours on the phone engaged in deep and heart-wrenching conversations have passed. More hours still have been spent not only filling out my log sheets but battling through painful memories by writing them in another journal. The greatest difficulty, however, has been the stubborn refusal of my own heart to bow to the Lordship of my Savior. I have been long entrenched behind the walls of my own fortress as He has been working to break down the walls. In opposition, Satan has been there enticing and persuading me to rebuild these walls of self-security I feel so comfortable living behind because they are so familiar. But God is showing me that the Rock of Refuge is a much more secure Fortress to flee to.

Remembering that change is a process has been important, too. Becoming discouraged in the middle of the battle is very easy. Looking back and seeing very little progress, especially when I fall, readily gives the impression that there has been no change or there is little hope that change will ever occur. Therefore, I am learning to see a bigger picture, a bigger picture that is being painted by an Artist who can see the whole canvass, who keeps in His sight the final product. Knowing this allows me to begin to see glimpses of God in the present even when I do not feel His presence.

Understanding my past is important for dealing with my present, but I also need to understand my more recent past regarding the work that God has begun in me and how that applies to my present struggles. Furthermore, I need to remember my past as I stand in the middle of my present struggles and look to the future. Setting my sights on heaven, keeping that eternal perspective, will help to close in the gap that I so often feel I am living in. God saved me from a life of sin and has promised me a glorious future. Now, living in what is known as the already-not-yet, He is like a gold smith purifying me by cranking up the heat and removing the dross as it comes to the surface. The purer He makes the gold the clearer the surface of the gold will reflect His image. I long for that day when these struggles of life are over, and I will be like Him for I will see Him face to face!